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Spirit, but to have hadjesus as my friend, with skin on, with his
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voice tones and personal mannerisms and unique, memorable
lacial fean~es... and then I remember that I do meet Jesus in
the flesh, as! hear him speaking from the mouths of my
friends, as his love wraps me round in their hugs, their letters,
their phone calls, their laughter, their tears.
Such friends are easy to be with. They bring out the best in
us, and in our conversations and joint efforts each sparks fresh
ideas which contribute to the strong bond, and we come away
from our times together refreshed, stimulated, affirmed, and
feeling happy about who we are. Other friendships may taI~e
persistence to breach the old barriers of silence, shyness, or
fear, so that love may flow back and forth with freedom.
In tested friendships the words "faithfulness" and "loyalty"
assume their true dimensions, because even fast friends can
annoy, or irritate, or misunderstand each other; they can even
betray or deny each other, as did Judas, or Peter. But where
there's loyalty enough to make the knot in a friendship worth
untangling, friends can be lovingly honest with each other to
the point of resolution and forgiveness. Judas failed to reach
that point, but Peter, his heart breaking, confessing and reaf-
firming his love forjesus, was transformed from his immaturity
and cowardice to the boldness and power which was the rock
of the early church.
When I moved from Illinois to California to marry John
Hoyte and make a new life with him, I knew virtually no one in
my new setting. But soon after I'd moved I was invited to join a
prayer group of four kindred spirits, women who had public
ministries as gifted church leaders or therapists, but who needed
peers, friends of the heart at the real and intimate level which
allows for deep prayer and total honesty. We have been meet-
ing together now for five years, and I pray that our closeness
may continue into the unknown future. Without such friends,
and the even longer closeness with friends like Madeleine, I
might have often lallen prey to depression and despain Here is
where the idea of covenant is fleshed out-in our commitment
to be to our friends what they need us to be, regardless of cir-
cumstances, and to know that they will return the compliment
When we go to the Lord's Table with a friend, to partake of
the eucharistic feast, the comm-union (together~n~ss) which
we find with each other and with God makes the friendship a
sacred trust which death will n0t erase or nu~.
True friendship means both giving and receMng~ving
without obligation, receiving without guilt This is a way we can
move out of self-absorption, which can become morbidly toxic,
int0 a profound, redemptive awareness of others. How do I
know when a friendship is true and deep? If it is close enough
that I can confidently call the friend at midnight or 3:00 A.M.,
knowing I'll be listened to and responded to without a second
thought It's accepting responsibility for the friend's welfare.
Which really means that in that friend we are also being
responsible toward God, and in the long run, to the universe. I
consider it a profound compliment if Madeleine calls me at
night, like that It means that I'm considered her special, trust-
worthy friend. And to be a part of such a friendship is an
honor.
Friendship means frequent phone calls, letters, facet~face
visits---staying in touch. Because without that touch, that con-
tact, we'd feel isolated, and we'd be neglecting a person who is
precious to us. We live in a world that for all its communi-
cations systems is woefully out of touch with its component
parts. When I preached my son's wedding sermon last year I
talked about the power of love to heal this wounded world, to
form a web of affection and caring that draws us together
rather than rending us apart in suspicion or animosity. (Our
word diabolical comes from the Greek word which means to
tear apart.) True friends like each other, but they must also
really love each other. "If you love me, show it by doing what
I've told you," says Jesus. And `You are my friends, if you do the
things I command you." One of the things he commands us is
that we "love one another" the way he has loved us.
How did Jesus model true friendship? By loving his friends
(and us) for who they were and as they wereflawed, for-
getful, naive, and often ungrateful. He loved them in action as
well as emotion. Though Jesus' feelings for his friends ran
deep and strong (think of his tears for Lazarus), though his
humanity allowed for sentiment, his friendship never de-
scended to sentimentality. It was never cheapened by empty
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