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Fuck you, I complain, punching Jim in the shoulder.
GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A CHICKEN POT PIE, BITCH! Jim yells at me.
Seriously, fuck off!
Hey, I m just getting you prepared for this challenge and getting your wife back, Jim explains
with a shrug.
Carter had called me last weekend once we were finally un-grounded and were allowed talk to
each other again. Claire spilled the beans to him about how Jenny has been feeling lately and Carter
wanted to give me a head s up. Of course, Claire swore him to secrecy and told him she d never give
him another blow job again if he told me, so Carter obviously threatened my life if I said anything to
Jenny about it.
I spent all week trying to be a better husband, but I had no idea what the fuck I was doing or
how to be better since I thought I was pretty fucking awesome to begin with. I made sure to remember
to put the toilet seat down and the cap back on the toothpaste and when Jenny never commented on it,
I brought it up to her and asked if it made her happy. She told me I was an idiot and walk out of the
room.
That led to me calling my dad and asking him for help.
I had told Jenny I was helping my dad put together a bookcase and we all met at Liz and Jim s
house while she was out grocery shopping with the kids. Jim had said she was taking the girls over to
have lunch with her parents after, so we should have plenty of time to get this done without anyone
knowing about it.
Alright boys, listen up. There are three rules to live by when you re married. Number one,
don t piss off your wife. Number two, don t piss off your wife, and number three&
He holds out his hands, palms up, indicating for us to finish.
Never piss off your wife, the three of us say in unison.
Wonderful, The Three Stooges can be taught, my dad says.
Heeeeey! Jim complains.
QUICK! Tell me what you do when your wife comes home from work with a box of tampons
in her hands and starts complaining that the house is a mess, my dad fires at Jim.
Uh, um& fuck! Uh, tell her she looks pretty? Jim stammers quickly.
WRONG! You tell her to go take a nap so you can clean the house! my dad answers.
Fuck! Jim grumbles.
Stand up, soldiers! my dad yells.
We all get up from the couch quickly as he comes over and pushes the coffee table out from in
front of us.
DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY YOU SNOT-NOSED MOTHER FUCKERS!
We drop to the ground and start our push-ups, each of us grunting and panting.
I DON T HEAR YOU COUNTING, ASSHOLES!
Son of a bitch! How is this going to help us? Carter whispers in between counting while he
breathes heavily.
It s going to teach you pussies some respect, my dad says suddenly, squatting down and
putting his face right into Carter s.
Your dad scares the fuck out of me, Carter mutters as quietly as possible as my dad gets up
and walks back over to the fireplace.
We finish our push-ups and groan at the pain in our arms and backs as we get up from the floor.
We watch as my dad turns around and bends down to unzip a duffel bag that s on the floor next
to the fireplace.
He stands up and turns around to face us, holding three baby dolls in his arms.
Time for baby duty, fuckers. Let s see what you re made of, he tells us, handing us each one
of the dolls.
Jim holds his by the hair, I hold mine by the foot, and Carter cradles his in his arms, swaying
gently back and forth.
Jim, Drew, right now your babies would be DEAD! You are holding a life in your arms and
you just killed it. A man and his baby are a powerful force that can devastate small countries, my
dad lectures.
Don t you mean a man and his gun? A baby can t really devastate a small country, Jim tells
him.
Have you ever been in a room with a baby who is projectile vomiting, screaming his fool head
off, and diarrhea is exploding out of his ass so much you think he has a fire hose shoved up there
spraying shit instead of water? Babies are the Napalm of western civilization!
My dad pulls a stop watch out of the pocket of his pants holds it in front of him with his thumb
hovering over the start button.
ON YOUR MARK! he shouts.
Wait! What the fuck are we doing? I ask frantically, putting the baby up on my shoulder as I
pat its back.
You are changing diapers, limp dicks! GET SET!
Carter gets into ready position, crouching low to the ground, his doll shoved into the back of his
t-shirt with the head sticking out of the top and its eyes staring right at me.
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